Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Five Year Flashback: All those lists

There was a time when writing a list on a blog was not seen as a cheap gimmick - thanks for ruining me life BUZZFEED!

I used to love writing lists. In fact, for a long period of time, I had Top 5 Mondays where I would post a list about - basically anything I wanted. Now, I only write lists on occasion, but it doesn't mean the love is not still there.

I already posted one of my letters, but this triples as a letter, list and review. Enjoy my last Five Year Flashback as I tell Michael Buble reasons why he should marry me.


Originally Posted August 19, 2010

In Review: Michael Buble (Reasons Michael Buble should be my Husband)

Dear Michael,

I went to your show tonight and it was magical. It did for me what a Gaga concert would do for a young gay man on ecstasy. Your concert made me feel the way thousands of 12 year olds feel when Justin Bieber tosses his hair or does a retweet on Twitter. 

I know what you are thinking...How is this possible? You obviously do not know your effect on me and you also don't know that you are going to break up with your current fiancee and we are going to end up getting married.

What is this fiancee #2 or #3?  Doesn't matter, you will end up with me and the sooner you figure that out the better.  But to speed things up a little I am going to tell you why your magical concert made me realize why we are meant to be.

1. You're Canadian, Me Too
Let's start with the most obvious. I am Canadian and so are you.

Your current fiancee is from Argentina, no where near the homeland. She obviously is marrying you for a visa AND you told us tonight that she has threatened to cut off your manhood...I would NEVER do that as it is not a very Canadian thing to do...plus it would be more useful if it were attached to you.

2. You Love Hockey, Me Too
You love the Canucks. I love the Flames...but we both love the greatest game ever. And I am sure that we could find a team that we hate equally. Then once every 4 years we could cheer for team Canada in the Olympics.

I was weak in the knees tonight when you sang "The Good Ol Hockey Game" it was almost as good of a feeling as when we beat the Canucks in game seven of the first round of the playoffs in 2004 and went on to have a better cup run than you have since the '94. Not that I am keeping track or anything.

3. You know Your Pop Culture, Me Too
You made reference Michael Jackson, Ferris Buller's Day Off, Baby Biebs and Tiger Woods. It seems like you really keep up on the times, not like Obama who doesn't even know who Snooki is, pfft.

I also, obviously, have a thing for pop culture so we would never run out of things to talk about. There will always be a Biebs, a Lohan or a Woods like douche cheating on his wife (obviously not you, you would NEVER cheat on me...ever.)
 
4. You're Funny, Me Too
I think if your music career fell through you may have a back-up in stand up..I have never been to a concert with the kind of crowd interaction that you bring to the stage. You take it to a whole other level.

Though I do not like sharing my wit with an audience like you do, I could definitely contribute to your act as I have some pretty funny stuff up my sleeve. My mom says I'm mean, but come on...mean funny is usually the best.

5. You Love of the Oldies, Me Too
This is an obvious point that many potential hussies probably say to you -  "I love Frank Sinatra" etc.  Bullshit I tell you. I however, do love Mr. Blue Eyes annnnd the rest of the Rat Pack....OK, well Frank, Dean and Sammy. Peter and Joey, not so much. 

I also think that Mack the Knife, which you so magically sang tonight, is one of the best oldies even though it is about a guy that cuts people up and throws them into a river. 

6. You are a Man in a Suit, Love a Man in a Suit
I love a man in a suit, not a uniform, a suit.  And since that is basically your only outfit we would get along fine. I wouldn't be the nagging wife who was constantly trying to change your image. I would love you just the way you are.

7. You Call Your Friends Sluts, Me Too
When introducing your friends and band mates you laid it out. "This guy is such a slut he probably has 200 unknown kids out there." On a daily basis I call my besties hussies, sluts, whores and bitches. All in love of course (even though some of them are all of the above).

8. You Don't Just Drop Your Pants When Told, Me Neither
Some girl yelled out 'TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS' tonight and you politely ignored her.  You are not like that. Me neither.

Not that I would be against pants dropping - my other husband, Mark Wahlberg, basically got his fame from dropping his pants on stage. Yes, I have another husband, you have competition...I am a hot commodity.

9. You Can Make Fun of Yourself, Me Too
I loved your little thing about guys saying that you are gay, because you have class, you wear a suit and you are a crooner. You owned it like no one business.  You're like, "Whatever, ha ha."

I am the same way when people say things like "You are a crazy f-cking bitch and I hate you." I'm like "Meh, whatever, ha ha." Pretty much the same thing.

10. You Can Sing...
You can sing, I pretend I can. You can sing better than any other man on the planet today and I can sing better than Britney Spears. Meant. To. Be.

So Michael, as you can see we are pretty much meant to be. I know you have been known to be a big playa...even though you have only been single for like a combined 4 months your entire professional career...you know what I am getting at. 

I will expect none of that funny business continue after we tie the knot or I will pull a Loraina Bobbet on your man membrane...just kidding...

Verdict: 4.6 Stars

XOXO
Jes...

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.