Saturday, September 21, 2013

Movie Review: Unhung Hero (CIFF 2013)

The things men will do after being burned by a woman...

Patrick Moote is one of those unfortunate people who will forever be on the 'failed proposal reel' after getting rejected by his then girlfriend on the jumbotron at a UCLA sporting event. Moote found out later that, according to her, she said no because he had a small man part.

Instead of doing the normal thing and justifying this rejection by just assuming the girl was a giant ho and had a gaping vagina, he went on a journey to find out if size does really matter. Well...that's what they say the documentary is about. But what I am really seeing is a guy who definitely thinks size matters and is going on a journey to make his junk bigger.

After talking to a doctor who tells him that, yes, by medical definition his is 'low average' in size, which he compares to a chick with an A cup size, he starts to try everything in the book to get up to at least average.

He tries it all: pumps, pills and other techniques that have supposedly worked for others. After those all fail, he takes his show on the road to other countries to fix his shortcomings. 

As uncomfortable as most of this doc was, it was also quite funny. Who doesn't like a good dick joke? The whole thing was a dick joke. Some of the stuff was comedic, like when he surveyed the crazies doing Bay to Breakers in San Francisco and other stuff was 'shocking nervous laughter' funny.

For example, at one point he is in a dirty hotel room in Africa about to get his penis injected ten times by a guy who has just poured some mystery oil from a water bottle into a Dixie cup and then sucked it into a syringe. He literally has his penis out ready to go and bails. I almost puked. He declared he didn't want to do it because 'he doesn't even want to eat the food there'...great reason, along with it being completely unsanitary and crazy.

Then there was the time that he and his sound guy Kevin actually puked while watching a surgery where part of someone's stomach is implanted into their peen. People puking is always funny, watching a penis get cut open, not so much.

About halfway through the film one starts to think that maybe Patrick's girlfriend didn't dump him because he had a small peen...maybe she dumped him because of his self loathing obsessive personality. I mean, it's small deal with it.

Note: You don't actually see his penis at all in the film. You are going entirely based on hearsay from other people, and they don't give measurements.

He was literally so dead set on making his peen bigger he almost did things that could ruin his penis entirely. Does that sound rational to you at all? No.

By the end of the film they make it appear that he has come to terms with the size of his penis. I think that is a blatant lie and he is going to obsess over it for the rest of his life, but for the sake of a happy ending, way to go Patrick.

So yeah, tonight I watched a movie about a small dick. It was awesome.

Verdickt: 4 Stars


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