Monday, February 25, 2013

Highlights of the OSCARS: As told by photograph captions

The reign of the musical is not yet over, that is according to the Academy who tonight they gave us an Oscars telecast that was a 'celebration of music in movies'. Kill me now, right? Can everyone just cool it with beating me over the head with Broadway brought to my TV screen?

Not only did they have songs from previous years performed, but we were also given a host who - would you look at that - has a part time gig as a crooner. (Seriously, he has an album).

Seth MacFarlane was picked to host the show, and I believe he would have been OK had he not come up for excuses for all of his jokes while laughing at them and stating things like, "Oh we are still going to do that joke? I thought we took it out...OK." Come on Seth. It was pretty dismal with a couple of highlights here and there.

Now I present to you my favorite parts of the broadcast, as brought to you by pictures that people posted on Twitter...many of which are photographs of people's TVs. You have been warned.


Seth MacFarlane's dad wore a Kilt...and Crocs on the red carpet. The kilt is legit, but any point given by wearing the kilt are taken away and a massive reduction given for the sporting of Crocs. This makes this outfit the worst of the carpet.

Joseph Gordon Levitt photobombs on the red carpet. Award winning performance, making JGL the best of the red carpet.

Biggest trend of the evening: Beards. Most impressive goes to Ben Affleck. Beard making you look the oldest goes to George Clooney


Seth MacFarlane made Tommy Lee Jones laugh in the first five seconds of the show...it was all downhill from there.

William Shatner came on the screen as 'Kirk from the future' here to tell Seth how he ruins the Oscars...which actually does end up ruining them. It was awful and extremely long.

Seth does a song about actresses that have shown their boobs in movies...I am undecided. Do I love it or do I despise it? All I know is, if this is correct, Kate Winslet is totally cool with giving her ladies fresh air. She was like last decade's Lena Dunham.

Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron dance. Channing has his clothes on, so I am automatically confused/annoyed and I feel like I am watching an audition video for Dancing with the Stars. Channing's career will eventually dissipate into nothing so he may be able to use this one day to get on the show.

Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe sing and dance with Seth MacFarlane. What I learn from this is: I am done with the host musical performances and Daniel is short. I mean, I knew he was short, I just forgot to what extent.

Melissa McCartney and Paul Rudd do a terrible bit about animated voices that doesn't even seem like it was rehearsed at all.

Mark Andrews, co-director of Brave, wore a Kilt. Was expecting to be flashed. Was not. Disappointment followed.

The team of winners for Best Visual Effects from Life of Pi were the first people to encounter the Jaws score as their 'thank you speech cut-off music'...the guy talked right through it until they fully drown him out. In his defense, he probably just thought it was a joke...cause who would think something so rude was for real!?

At some point Sandra Bullock made this face.

The cast of Les Miserables sings a medley of Suddenly/I Dreamed a Dream/One Day More...even Russell Crowe. I hope they paid him more because of the extra ball busting he is going to have to endure tomorrow.

Mark Wahlberg and Ted make the masses laugh and present an award. Mark is so ripped underneath his tux he is literally bursting out of it. Hot.

After the beards of the red carpet, another male hair trend emerged - long blond locks. We had some relatives of Lucius Malfoy winning Oscars. Slytherin House would be proud.

We learn that Anne Hathaway has asthma when she accepts her award for Supporting Actress after walking up 7 stairs - can't. breath. We also learn that a lot of people don't like her, according to Twitter. Tough crowd.

Jack Nicholson wore sunglasses...as usual, so he could sleep in style.

Adele sings. The world bows down.

Kristen Stewart limps across stage with unkempt hair to present an award with Harry Potter. Twitter explodes with tweets such as, "Learn how to walk betch." Turns out she actually walked the red carpet with crutches so she is actually injured. Still doesn't clarify the fact that the Worst Actress Razzie winner is presenting at the Oscars and then going and sitting down behind Steven Spielberg. The fack?

When I'm 70 I hope to have money and doctors as good as Babs'.

Seth MacFarlane apologized and laughed at his own jokes. (This was a continuous trend relived time and time again throughout the broadcast). He also repeatedly joked about how long the show was - cause that's original.

Quentin Tarantino don't give a shit about being played off the stage after winning best Original Screenplay. You will stop that music and let him finish. Thank you.

Jennifer Lawrence falls up the stairs on her way to get her Best Actress Oscar. Silver Lining...she didn't knock her teeth out and there was no blood on that nice dress that she is probably returning to the designer. She handled it like a pro though...made fun of herself and carried on. Love J Law.

Meryl F-cking Streep.

Daniel Day Lewis is hilarious after winning the biggest lock of the night, Best Actor. He makes jokes about Meryl Streep originally being offered the part of Lincoln and that Spielberg wanted it to be a musical.

Ang Lee bests Steven Spielberg again with a Best Director win for Life of Pi. During his thank yous he says, "...everyone in this cast, I cannot waste this time talking about them." You tell 'em Ang.


Michelle Obama and her face eating bangs reads the winner of Best Picture - from the White House cause FLOTUS can't be bothered flying out for the measly Oscars.

Argo wins Best Picture and Ben Affleck thanks Canada - which makes all the Canadians who were ready to burn down Boston in retaliation had he failed to thank them happy. But can I point out that he thanked Iran as well and talked about them for 5 seconds longer - I mean, that is definitely reason to go right back to hating on the movie right?

Seth MacFarlane and Kristin Chenoweth close the show with singing a song about God blessing the losers...which they mess up. Did they practice different versions of this? Because all of the names seemed to fit really well. And that entire part about Bradley Cooper - what if he had been the black horse! I'm not buying this "no one sees the votes before" BS that they announced at the end of the show.
___

I don't think that this show was a complete bomb. The musical stuff was a little annoying, except the Von Trapp Family Singers shtick which I couldn't find a photo of. Sad day. Seth was not anywhere near perfect, but he also wasn't close to pulling a James Franco (which will always, sadly for James, be the lowest of low bars that one could encounter as an Oscar host).

I think the Academy should just drop the whole need for a theme in the show. Why not just "movies of the year [insert award year]" and go with that? Something to think about folks!

XOXO
Jes...

1 comment:

  1. The Oscars don't usually have a theme... but did ya see the two big ol Queens who produced - come on babe, what else did ya expect?

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.