Monday, December 31, 2012

Wrap 2012: Goodbye 2012 (A letter to...)


For being the biggest potential "end of the world year" in the past 12 years I would have to say you started off well and kind of fizzled out at the end. December 21 came and went and only a couple weirdos sold all their possessions and moved to random places across the globe. These are the same people who would probably jump right in with a Kool-Aid cult, so don't get too excited. You failed at being memorable in that regard.

2012 Olympics, The Queen being a Bond girl
I think the United Kingdom will relish in your date for a couple years to come - so don't worry, you won't be forgotten. With you, they had a couple of major events take place on the world stage: 1. The Olympics (summer Olympics, which are way less cool - but we don't tell them that) 2. The Diamond Jubilee celebrations 3. Prince Harry getting nekked and 4. The Royal Baby announcement.

As we are all aware, number 3 was the most exciting on that list and makes everything else pale in comparison. Sorry Royal Fetus.

'Bama gets reelected
America had a pretty big year too. I know you know what I'm talking about. Colorado and Washington legalized marijuana. When I said 'big year' this is what you were thinking too, right? Or were you thinking about 'Bama's reelection, the mass shootings that are leading to a actual debate about gun control legislation, the bad economy, the Penn State Scandal or the fact that gay marriage is still not legal in all states of the country? You see...I was going with the more positive. America didn't have a great year.

Speaking of not a great year for Americans...even in music foreigners were dominating the scene like only Americas could in the past decade. Bieber is still every tweens wet dream, but that's old news. British songstress Adele killed it at the Grammys - this was her year. Canadian pop star Carly Rae Jepsen rose from Canadian Idol castoff purgatory to have the biggest hit of the year with Call Me Maybe. Korea rapper Psy blindsided us all with Gangnam Style. And the boy band phenom was brought back to life by the likes of Britain's One Direction and The Wanted.

Backstreet Boys reunite
But the biggest news out of music during the year of you was definitely an American blast from the past. Kevin Richardson announced in April that he was rejoining the Backstreet Boys - the group was whole once again. I STILL CANNOT CONTAIN MY JOY! This was by far the best moment of your year. You brought back together my boys...if everyone else forgets you, I will always know the relevance of 2012 in the history of music. It was amazing. the history of music...2012 was when Donna Summer, Etta James AND Whitney Houston all passed away. So that was extreme of you - when you go big you really do go hard.

Christine Sinclair - 2012 Olympics
Usually in something like this I would make some notes about sports and their impact on everyday life etc...but due to the NHL lockout, Team Canada's poor showing at the Olympics and the Stamps losing the Grey Cup to f-cking Toronto, I don't really have anything to say. I do want to give props to Team Canada's women's soccer captain Christine Sinclair...2012 was her year. She played brilliantly on and off the field during the Olympics. So there was one shining star there for the Red and White.

Then there was the sports disgrace of the decade...or century, with the title stripping of Lance Armstrong and his drug scandal. You can't take full credit for that story though...cause that shit has been going on since your older brother 2006 had their turn at the history making. You just finally pulled out the end of the drams. 

Jersey Shore kids say goodbye during series finale
It was a big year in Reality TV during your reign as well. Canada really stepped up its game in trash TV. While Canada's Got Talent proved that we suck....The Real Housewives of Vancouver and The Bachelor Canada proved that we can bring the drama. I mean...there is no way we could ever compete with the likes of Jersey Shore, but now we don't have to because this year they aired their last episode. So I lied...THAT was probably your crowning achievement. The end of the Shore.

If you weren't going to end the Shore...then God was going to try. Remember Hurricane Sandy? That girl was kind of a real ho bag. I mean, Katrina was a way bigger slut, but Sandy did some New York City damage and that is all sorts of epic.

Right before the Jump, Felix
You know what else was epic? When Felix Baumgartner jumped off of a friggin' SPACE SHIP breaking the SOUND BARRIER and jumping 39,045 meters. That shit was INSANE. It was also anti-climactic as they had to keep pushing the date due to weather. Effin' mother nature. Whore.

You know who is not a whore? Jessica Simpson...I mean, she can't really be now cause she is a mother carrying fetus number 2. Remember that time when Jess was pregs for 20 years and looked like Willy got Free in her stomach? Gross. Anywhos...she popped that child out (yes, it was only one) and got knocked up again. Poor Jess...after losing all the whale weight and everything. 

There were other things you accomplished during your reign and unfortunate situations that I guess were out of your control. You are only one year. Maybe your younger sister will be extremely generous...or nice...or maybe she will be what we are all thinking - a total satanic bitch. I mean, she is 2013 for crying out loud.

It was nice knowing you 12. Air high fives on a job well done.


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