Sunday, November 18, 2012

Movie Review: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (A Letter To...)

Dear Twihards,

DO NOT COMMIT GROUP SUICIDE!

I realize that you're all super emo and after this weekend you will feel like you have nothing to live for, but just note: it gets better. Like, a lot better. Basically anything is better than the torment you have put yourselves through for the last four years.

It is only a matter of time before the next emo phenom takes over and you can become fully dedicated to tattooing it on your back or painting your room with a mural of its characters or whatever. Until that time though, let's just take a walk through the last film of, what I like to call, the black stain of Hollywood.



I was expecting complete garbage, as usual. Breaking Dawn Part 1 was so bad I thought I huffed some rancid glue and was on a bad trip. Never done that before - but I am assuming my viewing experience would be somewhat comparable. You would think over time your little friends on the screen would become better actors, not worse.

So imagine my surprise when I left the theatre tonight and didn't want to throw myself in front of a bus. Don't get too excited, I am going to explain to you why your movie sucked and then why the director/producers were able to trick the world into thinking they liked it - kind of.

You have the first hour and a half, which is comparable to the earlier films. Poor acting with a lousy translation from book to screen.

Before I continue, I am confused why people who call themselves 'Twihards' can like these movies. Does being a Twihard mean that you liked the books? Because if you liked the books you MUST know that the movies do them no justice whatsoever. Every single one of these movies feels like lazily pieced together version of  decent story. The books were not mind blowing fiction by any means, but they were at least entertaining and didn't leave you feeling dead inside. Anyways, moving on.

The story was very choppy like they were just trying to get the necessary facts out of the way.

SPOILER Bella is a vampire. Bella hunts. Bella sees half-breed baby. Bella bangs Edward. Jacob transitions in front of Charlie (which was the only part of the first 1.5 hours that was entertaining). Bella sees Charlie. Bella doesn't kill Charlie (but hugs him for an awful long time - fail). Half-breed child grows. Alice sees the Volturi coming. Cullens go out into the world to gather friends. Alice and Jasper ditch the family. Friends come (who are these people? You don't really have time to find out). Bella finds out she is a 'shield'. They wait for the Volturi to come. Bella makes escape plan for half-breed kid and Jacob. Volturi come to the field where the fighting shit always goes down in Forks. Alice and Jasper return.

This is the first 1.5 hrs of the movie. This is also how it felt to watch - choppy.

Then came the 'surprise ending'...SPOILER ALERT - for real, this shit is not in the book.

Alice is showing Aro, creep Volturi dude, the future and then she says that it doesn't matter what she shows him, he is going to kill them anyways. His cronies take her and Papa Cullen, Carlisle, attacks. Aro and Carlisle collide with each other in the air and Carlisle ends up on the ground. To the complete and utter shock of the audience they see that Aro is holding Carlisle's head and he is dead.

What. The. F-ck.

That was my reaction and probably yours as well, yes? Then it turns into a full on no blood blood-bath. I was still processing the death of Carlisle. It didn't make sense - he wasn't enough of a disposable character for them to actually kill. Was this real? And then someone kills Jasper and I am like - OK...someone is dreaming right?

The fight scene continues, and have to say, it was pretty rad. It goes on for such a long time that you start thinking that what is transpiring on screen is actually the new ending of the movie. Aro gets his head ripped off by Bella and Edward and right before the flames consume his face - BOOM. All the goodness is gone and we see that the last 20 minutes was just Alice showing Aro a potential future if he starts a fight with the Cullen's crew.

How disappointing. Were you pissed? I was pissed.

Aro tells the Volturi clan to depart and the fight doesn't happen. Now we all know that there was no fight in the book, but do you not think now, after seeing on in the movie, that there should have been? I do.

At this point I am sure all of you were weeping hysterically in your seats because you knew in about five minutes your world would come to an end. Alice sees that everyone lives happily ever after, Bella and Edward have a poorly delivered conversation in a field and then they show the last line of the book. Are you crying right now? I would expect you would be. Your life is over remember.

As you can see from my recap - the only reason anyone would like this movie is because of the fight scene at the end, which was a farce. The surprise of the people dying in the fight and how dope it was temporarily paralyzed the viewers short term memory and made them forget about the 1.5 hrs of trash. Then they left the theatre thinking, 'WOW - that was not terrible' when actually - it was.

The only other positive thing I feel I should point out from this movie was that I liked Kristen Stewart 10 times more than in the previous films due to the fact that her character was not allowed to be whiny and weak. Her performance was upgraded from a rotting bag of maggot infested waste to a piece of disposable junk mail. Congrats Kristen.

Verdict: 2.5 Stars (notice - passing grade. you're welcome)

XOXO
Jes...

Side note: The introduction of Renesmee, the vampire-human-half-breed-demon-child of Edward and Bella, was creepy as f-ck. That was clearly some kind of computer generated face and I will probably have nightmares about it from now until Christmas. Luckily she grows about 2 years every 5 minutes of the film so you don't have to see it more than a couple times.

1 comment:

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.