Sunday, September 16, 2012

Big Brother Canada: How NOT to make your audition videos

The audition process for Big Brother Canada is under way. The live auditions are coming to a city near you and the video submissions have been open for weeks. In honour of the process I was going to do a post highlighting the best videos that I have seen thus far - then I started to watch them and...Oh. My. Word.

After about 15 horrendous videos I decided to change it up and give a little 'what not to do' when putting together your BB audition tape. Most of this could be told to you by Dr. Phil (aka the man who talks common sense to idiots), but clearly people are in need of a couple reminders of what makes a bad video.


Talk about the OTHER reality shows you've auditioned for.
9 times out of 10 this means that you did not make it on that show...if you weren't good enough for that show why would you be good enough for this one? This also goes along with the fact that you are possibly just a fame whore and are trying to get on any show possible, not necessarily that you would be good at the Big Brother game.

Tell them ONLY what you would do with the money. 
First - this is not a requirement of the audition video. If you are going to say take a trip, pay off debt, or give money to charity - shut the f-ck up. I'm not saying you're lying, but you are boring. I am trying to think of any legit spend that would have anyone interested in your video and I am at a loss. If you say something crazy, the producers will probably think you are lying, which will work against you. They want AUTHENTIC people.

BORE me to death.
You have 3 minutes to show them that you are an interesting person who would draw viewers to the show. If you are starring with dead eyes at the camera mumbling about the fact that you live in some suburb of Toronto, like cats and have watched the US version of BB for years without saying something interesting about yourself you can pretty much guarantee 30 seconds in they stopped watching. You don't have to be outrageous, but you MUST be captivating.

Look HOMELESS, unless it is part of your shtick. 
What part of "audition" do you not understand. Would you go to a job interview wearing sweatpants and a mustard stained shirt? Hopefully not...and if you did I can pretty much guarantee you don't have the brain power to win a show like Big Brother. Have a shower, brush your hair and put on some clean clothes. A ball gown is not necessary, but look f-cking presentable.

Talk to your ANIMALS.
This is a personal annoyance. There will be no animals in the house...proving you can talk to them in your video will do NOTHING for your game.

Sound completely UNIMPRESSED.
"Oh hey...yeah, so this is my video audition for Big Brother.... Um, I am pretty fun..." Do you even want to be on this show? Or did your grandma say she would give you $20 to make an audition video because you are the hit of the old folks home when you come to visit. If you don't sound like you want it, why would they give you the chance?

ONLY talk about how you are obsessed with the show. 
"I LOVE BIG BROTHER!" "I WATCH ALL THE SEASONS" "DR. WILL IS MY FAVORITE!" "I WATCH THE LIVE FEEDS!" All of this is great, but really - if this is all you are saying - it pretty much tells me that you watch a shit ton of TV. This video is about you. Tell them about YOU.

There are very few people who are over the top ridiculous all the time. If you are not and you try to make it seem like you are in your video - you will fail. The people picking the contestants have seen it all...they can tell a faker from a mile away. Be yourself. Do you think after 7 days locked in a house with other people you are going to be faking it? No. Show them what you CAN deliver.

Seriously...the people that lie on their applications are the same people who have open Facebook accounts. Idiots. Sell yourself right and save the lying for the show.

Sit in front of the camera and WORD VOMIT.
Have a plan. You don't have to memorize a script, but it shouldn't seem like you just sat down one day without thinking and started spewing random facts at the camera.

"Hi, my name is Paul. I went to school at Blank College. I walked my dog today and almost got hit by a car. It was insane. I should really look both ways when crossing the street. Yeah, I like Big Brother. Um, what else can I tell you? ...I work in a factory. We make soap. There are lots of different kinds of soap: liquid soap, bar soap, scented soap, exfoliating soap. My favorite kinds are the ones that make you smell like hemp because hemp reminds me of my non-addiction to weed - because you can't actually be addicted to weed. Well, I don't think you can. I do smoke a lot though. Hum, I really want to get high right now... Oh right, Big Brother. I'd be good on Big Brother because I have friends. Like, lots of friends who think I am cool to be around..."

You get the gist. No one cares.

Sing a lame SONG.
I get that you want to stand out, but if you are going to do something like sing an original song it better be F-CKING AWESOME. I would rather sit through a 3 minute video about how your neighbour died last year and you are sad about it than hear you sing a bad song. If you are going to do a rap song make sure you can actually rap. Throwing on a backwards hat and a wife beater does NOT automatically make you the next Slim Shady.

If you have something in your mouth that gives you a LISP (retainer, tongue piercing etc)...take that shit out before you start. 
Seriously, this is a no brainer. Do I need to tell you the importance of the need to UNDERSTAND what you are saying?

Say NOTHING about yourself. Some facts would be nice.
How you can do a 3 minute video and not say a single thing about your life, your personality and/or anecdotes about yourself is beyond me...however, some people have already done it.

Talk the whole time about how excited you are that Big Brother has FINALLY come to Canada.
Obviously you are excited that it is here or you wouldn't be applying. If this is all you are saying then you probably will be spouting off facts about how you were not allowed to apply for the American version etc...just an FYI, they already know all of this - and more.

Talk the whole time about how you would win, but not give any hints as to HOW.
They don't need your whole strategy, but you need to give a little bit more of the angle that you will play than just, "I know I will win." Well that's nice. Will you walk into the house and proclaim that in the first five minutes or what?

Don't tell the PRODUCERS how they should cast the show...I am pretty sure they know.
When someone who doesn't do your job comes up to you and tells you how they think you should be doing it,  does this please you? Does this make you reassess how you are going to proceed with your daily tasks? No. It makes you want to punch a bitch in the face and tell them to mind their own business. Your mission is to tell them why you are the one they want - not "you need to cast people who blah blah blah."

Tell them useless FACTS.
"I like music. I like to listen to it." Really? What does one usually do with music - stare at it? There are certain things that are universal to everyone. Everyone likes music - if you hated music, well then that may be something to talk about.

Say you are a MANIPULATOR.
Everyone says this. If you actually are a master manipulator this is an unfortunate time to try to use that as your selling point - after the season of Dan Gheesling Version 2 everyone thinks that that is what the producers want to hear. Just leave manipulate, manipulator, manipulative etc out of your vocabulary.


I hope these tips help you figure out what you are going to do for your video. Honestly - the biggest advice anyone can give you about this is BE AUTHENTIC. You cannot beat authenticity. Below are the three videos that I saw and thought - yeah, they'd be good (plus I made it through the entire video...big accomplishment). The last one is just for laughs...but funny.

The open casting calls start next weekend in Vancouver, but according to their website you MUST complete an online application which requires you to include a video. So do both if you can! Online application deadline is October 12, 2012.

September 23, 2012 8:00am-2:00pm

September 30, 2012 8:00am-2:00pm

October 7, 2012 8:00am-2:00pm

October 7, 2012 8:00am-2:00pm

October 14, 2012 8:00am-2:00pm

Happy video making!


Like what you've seen here? Vote for XOXO Jes in the 2012 Canadian Blog Awards for Best Pop Culture Blog and Best Blog Post! HERE!

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