Friday, June 8, 2012

To the Grad Class of 2012 (A Letter to...)

Dear Class of 2012,

Well done students. Oh, by the way - you are no longer students. You are now going to be living off of Mr. Noodles without the perk of the student rate. You'll also be working at an entry level job making next to no money and while no longer being supported by your parents or the government. Sorry to burst your bubble, but your life is about to suck for the next three to ten years.

I am on year three and I am thinking I have about 5 more years of suck to get through. Bare with me as I inevitably become a true downer for the next couple of paragraphs, projecting onto you what has essentially happened to me and 80% of the other people who have graduated since 2008. It's the recession bitch, deal with it.

Right now you are looking at a life full of possibilities. In three months you are either going to be looking at a ratty cubicle which you will work out of while being someone's bitch, unemployment or a serving tray that you bus people's food out on while talking about how you are educated and this is just a temporary thing until something applicable to your degree opens up.  It is NOT smooth sailing from here on out. The real challenges have just begun.

Completely disregard my warnings if you are a reality TV heir like Rob Kardashian, because you can just become fat and lazy living in your sister's guest room while she pretends to run a clothing store and wifes it up with a washed up basketball player. You can also disregard if you have no ambition and you went to university to get  BFA and then live in a car down by the are right on track and you will be at your goal in no time.

Back to the average Joe. If you are already aware of the life suckage that is about to descend upon you, you are ahead of the pack. Congratulations. This is a bigger deal than graduating from university. The foresight you have will save you from nights of crying yourself to sleep from the crushing realization that you are an insignificant drone in a world of people who are better than you.

On the bright side, you will have full weekends free to watch re-runs of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. So there's that to look forward to. I said, three to ten years of suckage.

(From a bitter workforce entrant whose goals have not yet been met and are so far from reach she thinks about suicide on a daily basis)

Side note: I am pretty sure that was the best script audition ever for a University convocation speech, don't you think so?

If you didn't like mine, you should check out these. The somewhat decent and the worst from this year. Steve Carell and Andy Samberg.

"When I was in college we didn't have Facebook, we had a phone book. And we didn't use twitter. We used good old fashion gossip. If you wanted to talk about someone you could do it face to face right behind their back." Steve Carell.

Andy Samberg reminding me of how shitty SNL is. The best thing he ever did was an impersonation of my husband...and it's getting old.

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