Friday, March 23, 2012

In Review: The Hunger Games (A Letter to...)

Dear person who had the 'beeping device' at the 7:00 PM screening of The Hunger Games on Friday March 23, 2012 sitting somewhere in the middle of the centre section between rows 4-7,

YOU MOTHER F-CKING ASS HOLE. If I knew who you were I would have kicked the back of your skull in. I once read a story about a man who stabbed another man in a theatre with a meat cleaver because of stabee was on a cell phone. I thought the story was insane, but now I think it is 100% acceptable.

The difference between that story and this one is 2 things. First, I didn't know where the sound was coming from, therefore I couldn't locate and inflict physical harm on you. Second, the guy on the cell phone wasn't on the phone for the whole movie...your beeping on the other hand went on for the ENTIRE length of the film.

You may be thinking...'Interesting, that is where I was sitting and I didn't hear anything.' Well maybe it is because you carry this beeping thing with you wherever you go. It was faint and almost untraceable. For parts of the movie I was the ONLY one in the whole theatre looking around to kill you, but at other points everyone in the section was looking confused and irritated.

It sounded like a digital watch that was counting down...or maybe a hearing aid. My Grandma wore hearing aids that would beep all the time and of course she couldn't hear them so this makes sense. There were two old people sitting two rows in front of me and I was SURE it was them. After the movie I stalked them and checked their ears and, surprise, no hearing aids. You evaded me...you lucky little jerk! Count your blessings tonight as you go to bed, unharmed.

I wouldn't have been this enraged if I hadn't been so f-cking excited to see this movie. Great reviews, great story, and legit lead cast. I finally figured I found a movie that I could set high expectations and they would be realistic and attainable.  Looking back...they probably would have been, but again, you went and f-cked things up.

Jennifer Lawrence was the perfect Katniss. You thought so too right? I mean...you didn't have anything distracting you so you would probably have a better idea than me if she was amazing or not. I also thought that the parts from the book that they took out or changed were acceptable and the parts they added definitely added to the quality of the story. You thought so too right?

Wait, let me guess. You didn't read the books. You didn't even know that you were watching the 'next big thing,' right? Someone as inconsiderate as you would go to a theatre on opening night and screw things up for real fans. I know I said before that you couldn't hear the beeping sound...but I take that back. I think you could hear it. I think you PURPOSELY brought in some annoying device to screw with people in the theatre.

I admit...any other time I would think this was hilarious. I would actually consider doing this myself, but at the opening night of The Hunger Games? May you BURN IN HELL.

XOXO
Jes...

But seriously though...I need to go see the movie again. I cannot properly review this movie when I spent half of the movie with my blood boiling trying to locate the beeper. Current verdict: 3.8 Stars

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