Wednesday, February 22, 2012

In Review: This Means War

I must set the bar low more often. When I walked into the theatre to see Reese Witherspoon's new movie This Means War I thought it was going to be a pile of ass with a little Chelsea Handler on the side. The standard was low. Then it turns out it was just a pile of clothes you may or may not give to the GoodWill and Chelsea Handler was digging through it making funny comments as she went. It wasn't too bad.

I am not going to lie to you and tell you that I didn't have the movie figured out within the first ten minutes. I didn't have to put my genius skills to work with this one. The average joe will figure out the ending pretty near the beginning.

I could almost hear the conversation that was had before this movie was made. "Let's take an action movie and a super chick flick and put them together. Guy jokes, girl jokes and some really attractive people. But don't worry about being original or doing anything creative because people don't care about that."

It was such date-bait I almost gagged.

Reese Witherspoon plays a chick who moved to LA for a dude, who cheats on her and they break up. Poor her. She is a perky little blond bombshell in LA with a wicked job of doing focus groups and testing toys for durability...cry me a mother f-cking river. Chelsea Handler plays a Chelsea Handler clone who is also Reese's character's best friend and advice giver who uses her kids travel drinking cups to carry guessed it, vodka.

Chris Pine plays the super smooth secret agent who knows how to work the ladies and has commitment/trust issues. Tom Hardy plays the other secret agent and best friend of Chris' character. He is more reserved, nicer and a father to a young kid with a baby mamma who isn't with him because she is a whore and doesn't want to be with a travel agent (which is his cover job).

The movie is unbelievable, cheesy, and more often than not groan worthy. "We need to let the audience know that Chris' character is starting to think about being in love. Make him watch the Titanic while alone at home, then the audience will really know what he is feeling." Yes, that happened, and yes I did want to punch someone.

I obviously haven't said anything yet that would entice you to go see this movie...expect of course Chris Pine and Tom Hardy. Hot. Except for Tom's unsightly snaggle tooth which really puts me off, but other than that I can't complain.

But once you got over the fact that the movie was complete shit it was actually pretty funny. You just can't go into it thinking it is going to be anything but an unimaginative, chick flick, with a splash of killing in a funny way kind of movie - cause if you do you will be wanting your money back.

Verdict: 2.7 Stars


Side Note: Reese Witherspoon has still only put out 2 good movies: Sweet Home Alabama and Legally Blonde...I'm keeping track Reese, and the record ain't good.

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