Wednesday, February 29, 2012

In Review: Project X (Letter to...)

To impressionable high school kids,

OK, listen f-ckers. I know you. I was once young and moronic too. I know that you are technically not allowed to watch this movie, but you will. You will love it and then you will get some crazy idea to throw a house party because you think it will be as epic as the one you are seeing in this insane movie about some nerdy high school boys that throw an out of control party which turns into a suburban version of the Vancouver riots.

For those of you who fall into this category I would like a word. First of all, you are an idiot. Second, if you have this 'epic house party goal' make sure you have a loaded gun on reserve. Not to shoot anyone, but for yourself. Because after this is over - there is nothing else you can do but put a bullet in your face. Your life is over.

There is no way you would ever be able to throw a party like this one because I am going to guess, for starters, that you don't have half handicapped neighbours and your friends would scatter when you say 'police' at a party where they are underage drinking. They wouldn't hide quietly in your backyard in hopes that your underaged self will persuade the police away. Puh-lease.

You need to remember that this is fictional. It may have been inspired by a party that some kid in Australia threw while his parents were on vacation...but you watch this video and tell me if you want to be like this kid. Cause I am guessing you think he is a douche. And you would be right. He didn't walk down the halls of his high school to rounds of applause on Monday morning. Actually, he got his ass kicked. So if you are thinking that throwing a raging party will make you cool, like the guys in this movie - forget it.

If you are of the loser variety and you think throwing a party will make you popular and will get you laid, words of advice: you will be less popular after your parents ground you for life and you are no longer able to travel in after school social circles. The same dudes that normally get laid will be the same ones knocking up some 14 year old girl on your parents bed while you frantically try to wash vomit out of the quilt your dead grandma made your mom.

There is a difference between being cool and being talked about. This is a good way to get talked about, but generally, unless they are one too, teenagers don't really like associating with criminals or those with criminal records.

So don't do it. Don't try to throw your own Project X like party because you will fail or die. It won't be worth it. You may have a tiny bit of regret in your elder years like me. I am still pissed that I missed the party in high school where someone drove a van through that girls parent's living room...but I got over it and you will too.

Try and wait until you are of age to really go off the handle. The amount you can drink and the shit you can get away with once you are old enough to use the "I was drunk" excuse is unreal. And if you are really hankering for a giant outlandish experience now hit up one of those raves in the woods. I hear they are ridiculous...but stay away from the E. It'll kill ya.

Oh and also, because I know a lot of you are brain dead, I said it before, but I will say it again: it is a fictional movie. It is not a documentary as it is portrayed. Most of the people cast didn't have noticeable roles previously. The only person I recognize was the guy who played the college athlete. He was the redneck cowboy in the remake of Footloose. I guess they thought no one saw that so it didn't matter if they cast him.

UPDATE: It took the high school kids of Calgary exactly 1 week from the weekend the movie was released to attempt to throw their own ridiculous party. Project Kris is what they called it. They even tried to get local musician Transit to sing at their party. I can't make this shit up.


Based on this letter it may sound like I didn't like the movie, not true. Loved it. Hilarious. I want to drink all my liquor from now until forever out of a challis. Superbad meets the Hangover meets Weird Science. Shouldn't be watched by teenagers who fall into the "I saw Jackass and decided to jump from a 20 story building into a swimming pool" variety of human.

Verdict: 4.3 Stars

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