Monday, December 19, 2011

Top 5: (A Letter to Santa) Gifts to give reality celebrities this Christmas

I don't remember the last time that I wrote a letter to Santa...I think I was in kindergarten, not sure. Whatever the last date of my corrospondance with the jolly old fat man who breaks into people's homes was, I figured it was time to drop him a line again....since it is Christmas and all.

So I decided to do this week's Top 5 as a letter to Santa...and instead of asking for gifts for myself, because it is the season of giving, I thought I would ask for specific gifts for 5 reality stars that I think need things more than I do.

Dear Santa,

It's been a while. Whaddup? I have 5 celebrities that require these gifts and I would like them delivered by Christmas day. Make it happen. 

Just look at this douche.
Please leave Jersey Shore's The Situation the not so fabulous gift of AIDS on his peen. The gift of 'ugly-as-f-ck face' has not seemed to drive off the hussies that continuously mount this ass hole so I think it is time to put a life threatening disease in the mix. I am not against him getting laid (as long as he is not using roofies) BUT I do have a problem with the chance of him reproducing...and let's be real, there is no way he always gloves-his-love.

This next one may seem weird, but I would ask that you would leave for Kim Kardashian (of the Kardashian family where every woman's name starts with a K) a man that she really loves...who also has balls and will tell her what's up.

Do not be fooled Santa, she's a hussy.
You see, I am so sick and tired of that whole clan treating their men like less than full humans. She was such a c-nty bitch to Kris, her 72 day NBA player husband. The only reason she got together with him was because he said he supported her career...but it always had to be all about her. Not sure if you watched any one of their 20 reality shows, but if you did, did you ever hear her talk about the fact that the NBA was on lockout? No. And I am willing to bet that if that conversation happened it was 5 minutes long and turned into 'how does this effect the Kardashian empire.' Ugh...hate her.


She's pushed all these out her vag.
Onto someone I don't necessarily hate, but definitely needs this Christmas gift. I would like you to give Michelle Duggar a miracle hysterectomy. She has had 19 children and I believe more than one miscarriage. Her vagina is probably a gaping canyon at this point and I am sure, even though she says otherwise, that she is a little tired of popping out a kid with the frequency of an annual bake sale. So yeah...remove that uterus.

You can't even imagine the sound.
Speaking of surgeries...or messing with a person's ability to do something that they are famous for...I would like for you to pull an Ursula (you know...the octopus witch from The Little Mermaid) and seize Mary Murphy's voice. You know Mary, she is the hooker who is constantly yelling on So You Think You Can Dance. If you took away her voice I may be able to watch the show again. Maybe.


Wigs will fly.
And last, but certainly not least I would like you to give all the Real Housewives (I mean ALL...every one from every single series) some kind of crazy shampoo that makes them go bald. I am sure half of them have weaves anyways, but if they all had to wear wigs the bitch fights that they get into could get a lot more interesting. Wigs flying everywhere. That would be great television.

So yeah Santa...I think that list is pretty decent. And I only asked for 5 things so it shouldn't be to hard for you to make it happen. I will even take no gifts for myself if you can just get this list done. Thanks a bunch.

XOXO
Jes...

1 comment:

  1. My favourite bit was when you said that Santa should pull an Ursula and take Mary Murphy's voice away. I think that is a turn of phrase I am going to use more often.

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