Sunday, October 16, 2011

In Review: Russell Brand in Calgary (A letter to the Old Man sitting beside me)

Dear Old Man,

Last night at the Russell Brand show you seemed a little out of your element. I am going to just go ahead and assume that you were one of the handful of people in attendance who bought a ticket to support the Owen Hart Foundation. I got a ticket to see the raunchy crude British comedian Russell Brand...I didn't even know it was a fundraiser...which you knew after they started doing sponsor presentations and I lost my mind. What was with the half hour sponsor dick rub!? Outrageous.

You seemed pretty content throughout the speeches which irritated me to the core, but BAM...tables turned once Russell came out. I was a little smug at first, thinking...suck on THAT old man...but I kind of felt bad for you towards the end. You were practically squirming. I believe you are from an era where people don't speak about masturbating while a cat watches you.

I thought your eyes were going to pop out of your face when he ran out into the crowd, quite near to where we were sitting, and asked a fan if she wanted him to autograph the wall of her uterus with his cum. We all thought it was funny, but you were looking at him like he just asked her if he could sacrifice her first born to Lucifer. He basically asked her if she wanted to bang. No biggie.

I am pretty sure you were also having a hard time keeping up with all the rabbit trails he kept on taking while in the middle of his stories. Don't worry, I was also a little confused at times...one second he is talking about the MTV Music Awards and how he would watch Twilight but, "I prefer for myself, actual culture." (I thought this was hilarious...you clearly did not know what Twilight was so the whole thing was lost on you.)...and then five seconds later he would be talking about clutter on the stage and putting shoe boxes on his face. It was all slightly erratic...but in a way, almost perfectly staged.

Then there was the point when Russell started drinking a bottle of Nestle 'Pure Life' water and in between sips he started talking about how Nestle kills babies in Africa with its baby formula. Your face registered familiarity with this issue...as it should because that whole thing started before your brain began to decay. The Nestle boycott garbage has been going on since 1977...so eons before I was even born and right around the time when you married your first wife.  Not sure what the current status of the issue is...but I would assume, based on the fact that it is a British company and Russell is British, that they are still being shady f-ckers. If Russell says it's true then I have no reason to think otherwise.

There was some pretty graphic and raunchy stuff coming out of Russell's mouth which you were able to sit through and then came the time when he picked up the Metro and started making fun of our Mayor's name. I am just going to throw it out there and say that you were part of the Purple Revolution? Cause I have never seen someone attempt an exit without actually standing until Russell started digging at the Mayor Nenshi.

(reading the front page headline) "'Grades are in for Nenshi'. Who the fuck is that, who's Nenshi?...To me it sounds like a mulch that would gather between the testicles and the anus. 

(girl voice) 'I'm not licking them, they're covered in Nenshi. If you want me to suck that you need to wipe that Nenshi away from the ridge.' 
(boy voice)'Suck it off then, suck that Nenshi off.' 
(girl voice) 'Mmmmm Nenshi.' 

Oh more Nenshi..."For Nenshi, what a difference a year makes"....if you left it a year it would be fucking awful! How long has that Nenshi been there? Jesus. Go bathe in bleach. Covered in Nenshi...Revolting...this show was said to be adult themed, but that's because of some of the philosophical ideas we discussed about spiritual beauty and consciousness, but this Nenshi in the local paper...dick gunk! Nut butter! Cock Porridge!"

I am so proud of you for sitting through it...and then for reading the entire thing again just now. You are such a trooper. I will say though...Nensh is pretty legit and would probably have laughed the whole thing off had he been there so I don't think you have to worry to much about it.

Once the show was finally over I am sure you were cursing the fact that you bought tickets in the middle of the row AND that your arthritis held you back from running out the door, but I still must say that I thought it was a pretty good show. I was somewhere in between you and the girls two rows behind us that were laughing so hysterically they must have been on drugs. I am pretty sure at one point Russell said, "I got on a plane" and they were on the ground laughing...how is that shit funny?

Anyway, you thought it was terrible, they thought it was the most hilarious show of all time and I was in the middle...at the 'I had a couple of good chuckles, but in no way was I near pissing myself even though I had the equivalent of 8 alcoholic beverages before walking in the door' point on the hilarity meter.

Just one more thing before you get back to your bridge game or shuffle board tournament. While you may look at him as a lunatic skinny rock star wannabe, he actually has one of the most brilliant minds in comedy...if he hadn't put his brain through years and years of substance abuse I believe that he would be somewhat of a modern day philosopher. Unfortunately for us, and for him, we will never know. DAMN HEROIN!

Have a good rest of your life...which could be a couple weeks or years. Not sure what your current medical status is and I thought it would be rude to ask. It was a pleasure sitting beside you and hopefully next time you will use a little thing called 'google' and find out who you are going to see before you commit to a two hour gong show.

XOXO
Jes...

Verdict: 3.8 Stars

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