Monday, September 5, 2011

Don't ask me again: Why I Hate Nickelback

My disdain for Nickelback has never been a secret. I broadcast it as frequently as I see fit...which is more often than not. No one ever questions my hate for Twilight, Kate Gosselin or Megan Fox, but for some strange reason I get asked why I hate Nickelback. Are you all f-cking with me? I guess the fact that they make me physically ill is not a suitable defense so here we go:

All of their songs sound exactly the same. Mediocre, generic rock that reeks of a dull uninspired drone that should only be played, if anywhere, in a dive bar that inhabits sad and lonely alcoholics. Even their 'upbeat' music leaves me feeling depressed and suicidal. If that wasn't bad enough - copy cat bands have sprouted up all over the place which leads to the breeding of shit music the world over (Theory of a Dead Man, Hinder etc.).

There are some bands that get away with the sound not being A+ but their lyrics are above average. Unfortunately for Nickelcrack their lyrics are also crap...this is a Nickelback free zone, but I will share with you some of their terrible lyrics:

Look at this photograph Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red? And what the hell is on Joey’s head? (Photograph)

(EDIT: I had 4 or 5 other examples here, but it made the post too long and depressing)

Most of their other stuff is about how hard core they think they are for hooking up with chicks and drinking. Repeat everything times three and end going over a single line from the chorus over and over and over and...(fade)

Speaking of them singing about drinking and banging chicks...it shocks me that this is even possible since Chad Kroger has one of the nastiest faces and dirties heads of hair I have ever seen. For a while there he was trying to be the blond Jesus and now he is just going for the curly grease bucket. His face also looks like a sad bloated protruding vajay. The fact that this man gets laid scores one for the atheists - because if there was a God, well, there is no way. I think the types of females who want to be banged by Nickelwhack are the same people who are on or like douches bags who are on my White Trash list.

Those same white trashies must also be the ones affirming the decision to play Nickelback 24/7 on top 40 radio stations. Unfortunately for Canadians we get Nickelcrack shoved down our throats quadruple the amount that other countries do due to CanCon regulations which require radio stations to play 35% Canadian content. Yes there is a ton of Canadian music to choose from, but programmers are lazy f-cks who play it 'safe' 90% of the time.

All of these reasons are pretty a legitimate to back to my hatred, but I mostly just hate them because they have fans. People liking garbage like Nickelcrap and other over played douche music makes me lose hope in humanity.

The only conclusion I can come to about their success is they managed to sell their souls to Satan and he made them popular, but never actually made their music...listenable. The devil is one tricky dude.

To write this article I needed to be inspired...so I listened to some Nickelshit.  My eyes are watering and my mouth tastes like an acidic version of my breakfast.  Again, I don't know why people won't just take my first reason as law - that garbage makes me ill.

XOXO
Jes...

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  3. You are one funny girl. I live in London UK, but am moving to Canada in October for a year!! I can't wait, though I will remember to pack a good set of ear plugs for when Nick Nack, Pile a crap, give my ears a break come on the radio.

    I'm going to be writing a travel blog and making videos during my year there. Check it out!
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