Monday, August 15, 2011

Top 5: Ways to be White Trash

This past weekend the world endured another 'Gathering of the Juggalos' festival and it got me thinking, 'What kind of people participate in such events?'

There are multiple names given to people who attend such disasters and 'juggalo' is the term they use for themselves. Others may call them white trash, douches or rednecks. I believe all apply, even though commonly white trash refers to a lower class of Caucasian persons - nowadays you can be loaded and still present yourself to the world as a white trash don't even have to be white, though most are. The term does not (for me) discriminate based on race.

So how do you get classified as white trash? Let me tell you the top 5 things you do that will give you that classification:

Attending the Gathering of the Juggalos
Every year in Michigan, Ohio or one of those other non-New England-North-Eastern-States holds the Gathing of the Juggalos. A festival that brings in around 100 douchey bands and thousands of people attend. In the past couple of years they have had guest celebrities introduced the big acts and they have commonly been attacked or had bottles thrown at them while on stage. Last year it was Tila Tequila and she was all cut up and stuff when she left the stage. Not that I feel sorry for her, because she is disgusting herself, but come on.

The festival is also known for it's participants rioting and charging the stage to the point where the police have had to tear gas the audience. White trash central. This year Charlie Sheen was the guest and got bottles thrown at him...Charlie Sheen? You would think those people would be worshiping his presence. He did catch a few bottles that were thrown. Props to Charles.

Have a Trashy Appearance
Anyone who thinks it is cool to sport any of the following: a mullet (while they were popular and after), a pervy mustache, t-shirts with no sleeves, Ed Hardy t-shirts (or anything of that variation: Tap Out etc), wife beaters (especially those who wear white ones and are as pale as Casper), low rise jeans that expose your nasty thong, big hair (think 80's glam rock), foul language t-shirts (...have some class, kids can read you know), or wearing no shirt at all. Basically anyone who you would see featured on

Watch UFC Fighting and Wrestling
Only a truly trashy person gets all excited and riled up when they see a person's face getting plowed in. The most terrifying place on earth would be in the audience of one of those fights. Those people are insane.

I don't know which is worse, WWE wrestling or UFC fighting. I am of the belief that trashy idiots watch WWE and trashy psychos watch UFC. I would also like to add people who watch or bet on dog fighting into this category. You people are sick.

Watch Jerry Springer, Maury, Montel Williams
People that watch any of these shows on a regular basis in my mind also live in trailers...but as I said before, rich people can be trashy as well. These shows may, at one point, have been legit (ie, before I was born), but everyone knows that the only reason you watch them is to see some chick, who got knocked up by her best friend's husband who doesn't want to raise her baby, pick up her chair and smack him in the nuts with it. And that is just about as trashtastic as anyone on Teen Mom.

Listen to Insane Clown Posse
Now obviously this band is my target as they are the ones that started the Gathering of the Juggalos, but any parallel to ICP or band that has any commonality to them or are signed to Psychopathic Records - their listeners also get the label.

There you have it. The new wave of white trash...not necessarily the - living in a trailer, driving your big truck, chain smoking and drinking a 40 of OE while talking about your next hunting trip and your current elk head that you have going through taxidermy - person, but they definitely still qualify.


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