Sunday, July 31, 2011

(A Social Experiment) In Review: Rob Zombie and Slayer

I know what you are thinking....ROB ZOMBIE? SLAYER? Yes, I went to a Rob Zombie and Slayer concert. It is a long story as to why I ended up going, but just know I was promised free things and I obviously had the ticket given to me. I will walk you through one of the most disturbing and terrifying experiences of my life. (First world problems.)

The first rule of going to a function where a majority of people will one day end up in jail or sacrificing their cat to Satan is 'blend in.' I made the mistake of wearing a blue shirt, light jeans and flip flops to a concert where everyone was wearing black shirts that said things like F-CK OFF and Long live the Dark One. I stuck out like Marilyn Manson at a polygamist colony.

While walking into the Saddledome I witnessed vomit splatter, a guy breaking beer bottles, people screaming and ripping off their shirts and girls who clearly need to pick up an In Style and realize that Avril Lavigne is the only one who thinks gross, faded coloured hair is appropriate. At this point I am thinking, "Do I turn and run?" We hadn't even got inside yet.

I was in the safety of a suite when I finally sat down. Thank god...being in the midst of the riff raff would have been too much for me to handle. That is not to say that everyone there wasn't wearing a shirt that donned at least one pentagram and was completely confused when I said I may have to hide out in the bathroom once the show starts.

The show started with Rob Zombie. He is crazy looking. The stage was full of fire and smoke machines that blasted red smoke in the air. I am not sure that the smoke stood a chance against the audience made haze that filled the place almost as soon as Zombie took the stage. Clearly there were no bag checks on the way in. It was the biggest hot box I had ever been in.

I was fully expecting an animal sacrifice based on what was going on on the stage. I wasn't able to understand any of the lyrics, which was probably a good thing. Hearing people chant along to things like 'Kill your mom' and 'Satan inside of me' would have been too much for me to bare.

As far as the show went...it was a lot of the same. There were screens at the back of the stage that showed various clips of weird movies and Japanese animation. What the hell is with the anime? It was pointed out to me that half of the time the cartoons were naked, but  I am sure having actual porn would not be surprising or frowned upon in this crowd. Zombie did the same thing the whole time, and as terrifying and gross as it was, it was kind of boring. Snooze.

Zombie talked for about five seconds to the audience. He said Calgary about ten times to reassure the high, belligerently drunk audience that he knew where he was. He tried to get them to scream, forgetting possibly that even at something like this people here don't like to participate. He then said, 'Maybe I was confusing you with Vancouver' which brought on the boos. (Eyeroll).

During the break I went and got my picture taken with a dude with the biggest mohawk I have ever seen. He obviously did not stab me when I asked him for the photo as I am alive and writing, but I definitely was willing to stare death in the face.

Next up was Slayer. Now as much as I hated Rob Zombie and sat stoically in my seat the entire time unnerving everyone around me, the music wasn't the worst....it couldn't be because Slayer was the WORST thing I have ever heard. I pretty much like a little bit of everything rock, pop, jazz, rap...I like it all. The only things I don't like are screamo, ska and Slayer. It was so terrible I can't even describe to you the pain I felt while enduring an entire set of it. Pure and utter torture.

I thought Zombie was going to kill a cat in his show and he didn't. But I am pretty sure that the devils inside of the dudes from Slayer left their bodies and killed 800 puppies while they were on stage. I am not Catholic, but I think I may need to go to mass everyday for the rest of my life to get over that shit.

Of course when it was over I was relieved as hell and tried to shake off the dirtiness. I am probably going to have nightmares for at least 5 weeks so I hope you enjoy this post...there has to be something good that comes out of this tragedy.

Verdict: (what is the lowest negative that you can go? 'Cause that is what my verdict is.)

XOXO
Jes...

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