Thursday, March 3, 2011

In Review: Beastly

One of my all time fave Disney movies is Beauty and the Beast. So of course I was very curious/mildly excited to see the modern day version, Beastly. Then I saw the previews, thought they sucked, but went anyways.

Picture this...a movie that tries to recreate a cartoon that has a plot of an a angry "beast" that essentially kidnaps a chick and manipulates her into liking him. This was the can't deny that that was the base of the whole thing. Sure the underlying stuff was "beauty is within" or whatever...but that still doesn't take away how creepy it was. You may have missed that because of the dancing dishes and the talking tea pot. Beastly, unfortunately, did not have the dancing dishes or a singing tea pot.

Alex Pettyfer plays a douche bag high school student, Kyle, who is verbal about ugly people sucking. (Note to the writers: I am SURE the audience could have picked up on the theme without you literally spelling it out for them. They're not idiots.) He is supposed to be super hot, which I was not feeling at all.  Then he pisses off the school witch, played by Mary-Kate Olsen, and she casts a spell on him. This spell gives him tattoos, weird boils, giant gashes all over his face, and of course makes him lose all his hair. This is the modern day beast.

Enter modern day Belle, Vanessa Hudgens. They have a super lame story line as to how he is able to hold her captive in his home (yes, they definitely went that route) I won't tell you what it is in case, you want to go torture yourself. 

The only good part of this movie is Neil Patrick Harris, who plays Kyle's blind tutor once Kyle becomes a shut in (cause you know...fugly people can't go to high school). He has smart ass comments to make all the time and was the only good comedic relief in the whole movie...and man did I ever need to be relieved of the pain. 

I think that M-Kat and V-Hudge were in a battle during the filming of this movie. They secretly made some kind of bet as to who could act worse. I am trying to settle the bet for them, so I would have to say Mary-Kate wins. Betch has been acting, literally, since the beginning of her time...and she still managed to make a character who, I am guessing, is supposed to be creepy look like a laughable fool.

There is no redeeming qualities of this movie. Not even NPH..he obviously tried, but come on...he just wasn't in it enough for it to count. At one point I started thinking "ok, would children like this?" and then I decided that only stupid children would enjoy such crap.

Verdict: 1.5 Stars



  1. Well fortunately for the movie industry, the amount of stupid children being born into the world is increasing every day. Maybe insecure teens will go see this for a boost.

  2. Well they DID like Twilight. God help us.


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