Saturday, December 4, 2010

In Review: I'm Still Here

I finally watched Joaquin Phoenix's 'hoax' of a documentary where he pretends that he is retiring from acting to become a rapper. The movie was basically 2 hours of Joaquin looking like a crazed mountain man while getting high and forgetting to shower or brush his hair.

Instead of even trying to explain the catastrophe that is this movie (because let's face it, the minute that they weren't pretending that they believed everyone didn't already know that the whole thing was fake, the whole concept and outcome were shot to shit) I am going to re-write the notes that I took while watching it.  You can go through the downward spiral with me.

What the hell is going on???

We know this isn't a doc...why is the sound so shitty?

Um, a bunch of random Phoenix shots and then one of the random guys getting out of the bathtub, full schlong in the face.

Context. I need some f-cking context to this conversation.

IS he smoking weed or is that a Zach Galifanakis joint?

I think this feels like a two hour audition tape for I Am Sam II.

Ok, seriously...is that weed real?

Why is he wearing a surgical mask? This reminds me of Asians during SARS.

Do all of his 'friends' know this is a joke? Or are they brain dead.

Well I wasn't aware I was watching a porno. He is sucking some girls tits and then the next second she is clearly sucking his dick.

I would like to punch him in the face. Even thought I know it is fake, I am still annoyed with how he is acting.

Diddy. Answering the door with the chain lock on. "What's with the camera." Diddy lays the smack down. Love it.

I feel like it MAY have been documented if Joaquin had a shower during the filming...

Ben Stiller, "What do I have to do? Put a shirt on my head and act weird and shit?"

Best part of the movie so far...Joaquin falling off stage, which the entire world already saw...

If I was high watching this right now I would probably lose my mind.

This movie should be called "Joaquin Phoenix Gets High...Forgets to Shower for a Year."

This is so bad I cannot even breath.

New favorite part. Daddy's face while he is listing to JP's music. HILARIOUS.

I never want to see Joaquin's naked body again...

We meet Joaquin's dad...now it all makes sense.

He walks through a dirty river in Panama...pretty sure he now has some sort of disease.

Pain...I don't want to ruin the ending, but he walks in the river for 4 minutes and then the credits roll. 


I don't even think 'bomb' could be used to describe the initial goal of this film and the incredibly large miss that ensued.  Casey Affleck, please please in the future stick to acting. Leave the directing to Ben and the 'punking' to Ashton.


Verdict: 0.5 Stars (all for Diddy)

XOXO
Jes..


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