Thursday, July 8, 2010

In Review: Eclipse

I am trying to formulate words as to why this was a horrific movie. I wanted this review to read:

Absolutly. F-cking. Terrible.

But then I thought my readers would miss out on a chance to hear me rip the movie and it's cast a new asshole.

The movie started off well with some guy getting attacked in an alley in was all downhill after that.

For the entire movie I sat there trying to figure out what exactly everyone was talking about when they said this was the "best one yet"...these people are obviously masochistic because this is the best one to use for torture. You know how some prisons play Britney Spears to torture the inmates? Well they could add this as the movie they play on repeat for torture purposes...I guarantee inmates will be committing group suicide.

Kristen Stewart was awful in this movie, but that was to be expected because she is a terrible actress with one facial expression that she used the whole movie. That would be fine if she was directed to "have the same painful/deep in thought look on your face" for every scene...but that is not the case. The books were written as Bella's thoughts...which means her facial expressions need to tell what she is thinking. She has the same face when she punches Jacob in the face as she does when she is getting it on with Edward.

Her hair was a actually didn't look horrible...but it was a weave. Had she not had the weave we would have been looking at a trailer trash mullet. Thank god for the weave.

Robert Pattinson...just spit it out already. Edwards "thoughtful" tendencies actually make him look boarder-line handicapped. I just kept thinking "Why is time moving so slowly?" every time Pattinson and Stewart were on the screen.

I just want to touch on how gross Jackson Rathbone is. Rathbone, who plays Cullen brother Jasper, had Chad Kroger hair. I barfed.

As far as I am concerned the only good actors in this movie were Billy Burke, who plays Charlie Swan, and Anna Kendrick, who plays Bella's schoolmate Jessica. And their air time in the film...probably a combined 5 minutes.

The fight scenes, which I think were the reason people said this movie was so great, were actually really lame. You would think that James Cameron and all the effects post-Matrix were never invented. The fights scenes were ok...but that is all. And they were like 10 minutes of the movie.

Oh it was just so bad I don't know where to start and where to end. Our grandchildren are going to look back on this series and call it the black stain on entertainment of the 21st century.

Verdict: 1.2 Stars



  1. I defos turned to my friend during the movie and said "Charlie makes the movie." It felt like there was just nothing there. It was all talk about the fight, the fight, Victoria, oh no Bella, the fight's over. Like for the love of the entertainment industry, Bella is so unconvincing. I wouldn't want to even serve her at McDonald's let alone "proclaim my love for her and risk my life" because there's nothing there. Kitty litter has more spunk and personality.

  2. Why are you always so angry?

  3. hum don't know...take it up with my therapist.


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