Wednesday, March 31, 2010

In Review: The Last Song

An Open Letter to the People who Attended The Last Song at the Crowfoot Cineplex at 6:40pm on March 31, 2010:

Dear Movie Goers,

You were all so excited before the film started. I could hear you buzzing about how elated you were and I heard you all gasp and giggle when the preview roll showed Taylor Lautner. You may have heard me say that his face looks like a dogs ass...I think I should know, I have perfect vision due to my giant glasses. I am very sorry for your poor taste in men. I hope this changes one day.

When the film started you were all so thrilled. Miley came on the screen and I could tell you were fans...because you didn't vomit all over me in disgust at her horrific performance. Did you really think that Miley Cyrus, also known as Disney's Hannah Montana, could pull off the brooding teenager who hates everyone? I guess you did because I was the only one laughing, dry heaving and yelling profanities into my sleeve throughout the film.

A lot of you were young, so I don't blame you for being enthralled in the plot of the story. You haven't been around long enough to have watched the 10,000 movies with the same story line that were made before you were born. The rest of you, for the most part, were parents supporting your children. I feel bad for couldn't walk out of the theatre nor could you yell are brave souls and I commend you. You stuck it through to the pain no doubt...even though you knew what the end was going to be. (The title is The Last Song...figure it out.)

I think that we can all agree that Greg Kinnear, the man who played Miley's dad, was the glimmer light in this film. It's not that he made it bearable, because he didn't get enough screen time for that, he just made one realize how horrific the rest of the acting was (Kelly Preston I am not including you in this because your time on the screen was maybe 5 minutes). Kids, you probably thought this man deserved an Oscar, but anyone who is acting opposite the train wreck that is Miley would be seen that way.

I know that my friend Andi probably offended you more than me when she said "If this were a TV movie I would have changed the channel 45 minutes ago" and at various points of the movie "I am in pain, someone stick a meat thermometer in my neck." I know that most of your parents agreed, but some of you may have been offended by those statements.

I apologize for was a tad rude of me to yell "OH MY GOD" in disgust when Miley told the love interest that she loved him after "dating" him for 4 days...this doesn't happen in real life...if it did that boy would have blocked her number, ignored her in public and possibly filed a restraining order. I apologize for turning on my phone to tweet the mass amounts of pain that I was in for the world to hear...I am sure me yelling my thoughts to the whole theatre would have been more distracting than a little light. (So you're welcome.) I don't apologize for laughing at every point in the movie when Miley cried because...well, I am a pretty silent laugher and you all were crying so hard it's not like you could hear me anyways.

Well that is about it. I hope that you will all agree with me that The Last Song should be Miley's last film...if you don't think that now I hope that one day you will come around. One day you will know what a hot man looks like (George Clooney) what good acting is (Kate Winslet) and what movies to go to when you are feeling masochistic (The Last Song).

Verdict: 1.2 Stars



  1. Baha, so many great lines in this blog post.

  2. i can't believe you paid money to see that garbage

  3. Excellent Post Jess. Funny and oh so true....

    EXCEPT when you made fun of my lover, Taylor. Your glasses must have been fogged up by his sexiness when he came on screen, thus temporarily blinding you and confusing your eyes into thinking his super hotness is actually dog facedness. Pick on someone your own age and leave him to us cougs. woot woot.


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